This is a test, of the system called life.

Many religious people will tell you, if asked about a particularly difficult or trying time in their life, that they felt God was testing them. You know… checking out what they were made of. Making sure they didn’t get too comfortable.  They claim that the situation mandated a complete introspective overhaul. Made them come to terms with some thoughts and feelings that they had been avoiding, either accidentally or intentionally. They claim that they emerged better; stronger… more prepared to take on the world ahead of them. They swear that it was all for the best, in the long run.

 I’m not particularly religious, as many of you know. I do, however, have a strong sense of faith. And fate. Not in the sense that we are powerless to make change or that free will is just an illusion. Not in that way. But in the sense that some moments were not meant to work out, because something better was waiting in the aftermath. Or that some problems were meant to be presented, because your current mental state needed a boost and this problem was ideal to fuel that particular brand of growth.  

Adults talk about breaking up with a partner they thought would be their spouse, and the devastation of the loss, only to meet someone who makes them even happier than they imagined they could be. Medical diagnoses that provide a reality check, allowing someone to make their health a priority before it’s too late. You know… the silver lining of the crappy situation. It could’ve been worse…

My husband and I find ourselves in the process of making a big decision. Well, ok… it feels like a big decision to me right now. Who knows how I’ll view it in the rear view mirror. But right now, it feels huge. The solution is in progress, and the process of putting the details into place has made me think, really and truly think.

And I have some opinions that I didn’t know I had. Really. I’m not lying, at least not to you. Lying to myself… now that’s entirely possible.  But if you had asked me a year ago, I would have fervently denied such beliefs. I have fears I wasn’t entirely aware of because they were never called out. I have strengths I didn’t perceive the depth of because I had never been asked to draw upon them.  I have pre conceived notions that are not, in fact, a reality. Some of them are even too embarrassing to admit out loud. I am in the process of discarding them. Right now.  

So maybe I am being tested. Hmmm...

What makes this particular issue even more profound for me is that it isn’t about me. It’s about one of my kids. And he’s too young to contribute, so we have to think and act on his behalf. Attempt to read his mind, assess his needs, and react in a way that will give him what he needs.  I hope that we make the right choice. I’d hate to let down such a precious and innocent little soul. I’d never forgive myself.

 I have had the blessing of talking this decision out with a few wise and perceptive people. My parents, who are doing a great job standing back and keeping it our choice.  My husband, the wonderful man and best friend that he is. Friends that have tolerated my ramblings patiently, waiting for the essential and interesting content to emerge, eventually. It’s a blessing, not living alone in your stress. I will never take that for granted.

And as I write this, I am struck by a revelation. An epiphany.

I am not going to let my son down. If fact, I have already NOT let him down in the time, energy and love that I have invested in him and his needs. We may not be done solving this particular issue, but we are actively searching for ways to let him be himself. Just himself. And we adore him. And he knows it. Beyond a doubt.

All is well. Maybe this was a test of my calm. Or rather, a message telling me to calm down and maintain focus. For him. Because he deserves my best work and there’s no way he’s NOT gonna get it.

Thanks, whoever you are. I heard you. Message received.