How to give a 4 year old boy a haircut

Parenting 201: How to give a haircut to a tired and somewhat uncooperative 4 year old boy. 

We used to take my son to the hairdresser for haircuts, but there are some situations that should never be public. For my son, a haircut is one of them. When he was younger, it was downright terrifying. When it takes two full grown adults to hold him down, you begin to wonder if the haircut was really needed in the first place. Couldn’t we just dress him in a tie dye t-shirt and call him a hippie? 

My husband and I strategized and came up with plan B. Cut his hair at home, keep the insanity private. Talk about wisdom. We bought a 20$ hair buzzer, only slightly more expensive than one haircut.

 At first the only problem was cleaning up. And by that, I mean the kid and the surrounding area. During the warm weather months, outside was feasible. When it’s cold out, however, not so much. And you have no idea how much hair sticks to a sweaty and hyperventilating child. It’s pretty disgusting. 

As he gets older, he is getting significantly better at tolerating haircuts, which is a huge relief for everyone. That said, why pay when you can get it for free at home? Oh, and no audience. Everyone wins. 

The list below is a blow by blow recount of our most recent haircut. My husband accused me of exaggerating when I read it to him and he’s right. But it’s more fun with a little drama… so here you go. 

1. Locate child
2. Inform child of plans for a haircut
3. Chase child in frantic circles and detain them before they can squeeze into a space too small for an adult. (Note: You may not achieve success on your first try. Second attempt may be necessary.)
4. Obtain “fun size” packet of M&M’s. Taunt child with them. Uhm, I meant, show them to the child. Right. Uh huh.
5. Give child one M&M to stop crying.
6. Carry child upstairs, despite their being almost 40 pounds and not entirely cooperative.
7. Undress child and put them in a dry bathtub.
8. Fetch hair cutter/buzzer.
9. Convince child to climb back into bathtub. Bribe may be necessary.
10. Give child one M&M.
11. Begin hair removal process.
12. Mentally plan for the Tylenol you are going to take after said haircut, as the high pitched crying is already making your head throb.
13. Give child one M&M
14. Cut some more…
15. Give child one M&M
16. Console statue like child wailing “all done with the haircut!”
17. Sigh deeply.
18. Finish cutting and congratulate child on job well done.
19. Hug child, transforming yourself into a shedding golden retriever.
20. Wash hair down the drain.
21. Unclog drain.
22. Draw a bath…