When gender identities appear...

My kids and I chat in the car. A lot. They tell me all about, well, everything… At least what they consider to be everything. I’ve heard it said that you can a tremendous amount by simply listening to the content of what a person chooses to tell you. It’s what THEY consider to be most important. I could not agree more.

The other day, in the car, I allowed my children to bring a toy from home. My daughter chose her small, stuffed unicorn.  My son chose a truck. The following conversation took place. 

Her- “Mommy, can you touch a unicorn?”

Me- (slight pause, thinking about the “right” answer) “ I don’t know, honey. You know more about unicorns than I do. Can you?”

Her-(With a huge smile… because I answered her correctly.)  “Yes, but only girls can. Boys can’t.”

Me- “Oh.”

Him (my son, with a huge grin and giggle)-“That’s ok!  Boys can touch monsters!”

Until recently, gender played very little role in my chidlren’s valuation of their little world. They picked their friends, and toys, based upon other factors. Friends were picked by liking the same games or having a similar way of being. Toys had their own criteria. How big it was. How loud it was. How easy it was to use successfully. Was it allowed in bed at bedtime? 

This past year, however, this has changed. My son picked his “best friend” first and it was a boy. I wasn’t shocked, and didn’t think much about it, with exception of being happy that he was happy to have found a friend. My daughter picked her best friend shortly after. A girl. My reaction to her proclamation was similar to that of my son. My daughter, however, felt the need to tell me WHY she made her choice. 

And gender was the first reason. “Mommy, she’s a girl like me!”  Hmmm. Interesting. And so it begins.

When my kids were really little, we received mostly boyish or gender neutral hand me downs for clothing. Our neighbors, who still pass us an extraordinary amount of clothing, simply had more boy clothing. Did I care? Not one bit. I would frequently dress my daughter in a pair of jean shorts that were gender neutral with a regular t-shirt. She didn’t care about anything beyond her comfort and I have never been a highly trendy or stylish dresser. It was a non issue.  As she has gotten older, however, she has huge opinions about her clothing and about the presence of pink, hearts and flowers. Age 3 disallowed anything that wasn’t a dress and only certain dresses were acceptable. She has since allowed pants and shorts, but in an exceedingly color controlled manner. 

To this day, my son doesn’t care that I pick out his clothing. If I waited for him to take initiative, we would never get out of his room, much less out the front door.  As long as there is some train, car, robot, or cool animal on his shirt… he’s good. When it comes to people, however, he shows huge preferences for the boys. One particular friend of mine, with two boys, is the best example. He’ll follow them anywhere and is excessively brave when they are around. Funny how that works. 

And there’s the talking thing. My son’s speech is fine. He is able to say what he wants, when we wants. He’s able to get his needs met just fine. But she can talk… and wow does she talk. She talks all the time and she doesn’t stop. Ever. I like to pride myself on listening to my kids but there is a limit to how long you can listen to the monologue and answer the same questions. I’d be lying if I said I never felt like my head was exploding by 6pm.

This could be a gender thing, or it could be a personality thing, but here’s what I noticed when I really thought about it. He communicates beautifully without talking. Always has. Pre speaking again, he knew how to make his needs known easily and he still knows how. I can’t quite quantify it, but I defend its truth. I suppose the talking is secondary sometimes. 

At first, when the gender differences began to appear, it bothered me a little. It’s hard to explain why, I’m not sure I entirely understand it myself. I suppose I was concerned that my children were at the beginning of the process that would limit them in life. Trap them into gender based choices. Being someone who does not like to be limited, it struck a nerve. And it stills niggles me a bit, as I watch my children navigate their life and make choices. That said, I’ve made a few observations that ease my concerns. 

My daughter loves cars and my son loves flowers. I love to watch them zoom the cars around the floor of our family room while I make dinner, it’s awesome. When the flowers bloomed this year, my son was just as intent on picking them as my daughter was. True, he spends more time lining the cars up on the rug and she held onto her flowers longer, but that’s ok. I can live with that. 

There is an indoor play zone near us and my kids ADORE the huge trampoline. They insist that I come in and play with them, and I comply. They jump around, tackling me from both sides, knocking me down with hysterical giggles. Rough and tumble, and my daughter keeps up beautifully.  I cannot explain what a comfort I find that to be. 

Funny, this is not the concern I anticipated when I thought about being a mom. Interesting.