The Mom Resume

A long time ago, when I was a full time middle school teacher, we interviewed a candidate for an open position. There was a gap on her resume, which coincided with the birth of her son and his first few years of life. When we questioned this time, she explained the gap, and our concerns were addressed. We moved on to more “relevant” topics of interview conversation.

In retrospect, we missed a golden opportunity by not staying on that particular topic for a few minutes. Why? Because, in our desire to assess her “real” skills, her “professional” skills, we bypassed an entire set of skills that were probably equally valid. We bypassed her “Mom Resume”.  

A what? A “Mom resume”? What, pray tell, is that?

A mom resume is that particular set of skills that you either 1- didn’t have or 2- didn’t have to such an advanced degree before you were a mom. The skills that allow you to survive motherhood, and provide you with the possibility of enjoying your job as mommy.

Did you know that researchers compared the hormone influxes of a toddler to those of a teenager? Not shockingly, they found the level and degree of influx to be very similar in size and pattern. I mean really, isn’t a teenage tantrum really much like the toddler version, with improved vocabulary?

Because this woman was interviewing for a middle school teaching position, being interviewed by middle school teachers, I’m actually somewhat embarrassed to say that we never interviewed her for her mom resume. Some of her skills acquired as a mom could have easily increased her skills in expertly managing middle school girls. To give you some insight, I‘ll share a small part of my mom resume with you.

1-    I can now name all the Thomas characters without even flexing a cognitive muscle.

My son was looking for a particular train the other day, so there I was sitting between two baskets filled with train toys, sorting through… looking for one particular and essential friend. As I found the other wheeled friends, I took them out and handed them to him, naming them as I went. And it hit me, I know all the names. Do I care about Thomas and his little engine friends? Not, not really. But my kids do, and if I have any chance of caring for them successfully, I better be in tune with what THEY find to be important. You don’t have to be rocket scientist to understand how that correlates to excellent middle school teaching.

2-    I can push my individual needs to the side in the interests of “getting it done”.

While I have never considered myself to be a self centered person, I did have much higher expectations of how and when my personal needs would get met. Being hungry would cause high levels of grumpy, for example. And if I had to pee, well… waiting too long wasn’t really an option. I didn’t call in sick to work when tired, but I certainly didn’t perform at my best level either. Now? Well… let’s just say that I have revised view on what qualifies as an immediate need. I can take quick showers and have no time to style my hair, wait long periods of time for the bathroom and maintain myself despite being hungry, when feeding both myself and the kids is not a valid option. I take good care of my kids and the house, even when I’m too tired to think rationally. Now THAT is a professional job skill that should be in high demand.

3-   Multi-tasking galore

Attempting to maintain a house, a schedule, run errands and care for two little people requires a level multi tasking I have never before attempted. And I’m getting damn good… You have to pack the diaper bag, wash the breakfast dishes and keep him from stealing her toy all the same time, despite the events taking place in three different locations in the room. You also have to know who is playing with what and which toys will cause potential problems, and when. Oh, and apply this knowledge to avoid any massive blowouts (emotional or fluid based) on the way out the door. One day, I will become Elastigirl (from “The Incredibles), and I will be psyched.  Have you managed a middle school classroom? Must I explain the value of this skill? 

4-   Effective selective hearing

Most of us have decent hearing, at least according to a medical professional that assesses us. But selective hearing? Effective selective hearing? That is an acquired skill and mine has grown to a level of EXCELLENCE. I can hear everything the kids are doing and saying while I’m making dinner but I hear it through a filter that only allows it priority when absolutely necessary. Non-consequential whining… might as well not be happening because I don’t hear it. The 100^th request for something that I have already denied? Huh? I’m sorry… did you say something? I didn’t hear anything. This is SUCH a useful skill! And have you met middle school girls recently?

5-   The hand-free 4 point hold

Before kids, my life was pretty tame and the art of restraining another human being was not in my repertoire. I always figured that if I had to restrain one of the kids, my size advantage would make it a small endeavor. Wrong, so very wrong! Needless to say, my kids don’t enjoy diaper changes and one pissed off kid can be pretty darn powerful when armed with a dirty bottom and a case of the wiggles. I have mastered multiple techniques by which I can hold down a complaining child, while keeping my hands free to work and his/her hands out of the poop. Go me!!! While I’m not sure this particular skill translates literally to the middle school classroom (gosh, I hope not…) the figurative comparison translates well. Can you take a resistant victim and still get done what needs to be done? Hmmm…

6-   Bribery expert

I know, I know… all the current literature clearly states that bribery is unwise when dealing with kids. They need to build internal desires to be good and providing them with external persuasion (bribery) is not consistent with this theory. They call for “incentives” instead. Incentives my ass! Have these experts ever dealt with toddler twins? I think not. Bribery is the only way I can get my daughter to keep even vaguely quiet at nap time, as she’s not going to sleep. It’s also the only way to get them out of a toy store when I can’t avoid completing the errand with “helpers”. And if you don’t bribe middle school students, even just a little… well, good luck to you. You have a short career ahead of you. Despite their developing bodies, they are not mature. And they’re not supposed to be yet. Bribes do wonders and the concrete knowledge they will attain via bribery will be essential when their internal desires become more prominent.

And so I will ask, as I ask so often… what’s my point?

My point, my dear friends, is that moms are to be respected, admired and revered for their knowledge. Don’t be fooled by their messy hair and stained clothing. They are professionals.  Salute them as you pass. They have earned it!