When our kids were really young, I read an article in a
parenting magazine about manners and how they are dying a slow death. If you
were to believe the author, kids today have no sense of fair play, no respect
and are allowed to run wild. The recommendations for correcting this problem
were consistent with the earlier point of view. Bring back some of the old
fashioned values.
And this author, while a bit extreme in my opinion, is not
totally wrong. It’s true that kids are more “kid like” than they used to be. At
least in overt behavior. They are more likely to throw a tantrum in public without
fear of big punishment, as our culture’s view of appropriate punishment has
changed dramatically. Better or worse? I guess it depends on who you ask.
If you ask me to assess myself, I am somewhere in the gray
area. I have a certain amount of patience for age appropriate (albeit annoying)
behaviors, but I also don’t hesitate to discipline that which I am not willing
to tolerate long term. To be brutally honest, I do it for me and the kids. They
need the structure and I need the occasional quiet. I don’t pull my car over to
pick up the toy that my kid threw out of frustration, and is now out of his/her
reach. I don’t care how much they cry. Maybe next time they won’t throw it and
I am not going to set the expectation that this is ok. Do I really want to stop
the car every 10 feet? No way! If it drops by accident and I am on a road with
red lights… then I can probably help.
A few months ago, we were at a pizza restaurant with a few
other families. 4 moms and 7 kids. Kids ranging from 1 year old to 5 years old.
The 5 year old, a beautiful little girl, was the center of a great big “hug
pile” for lack of better expression. Picture tackling in a standing position
with more giggling than ever heard before. Yup, you got it. Then I saw my son.
He was standing off to the side with a hesitant smile on his face, trying to
figure out how to join in. My son is a shy kid sometimes, and he usually shies away
from this kind of game, so I was surprised. Before I could say a thing, the 5
year old girl threw him a big smile and called out, “Come on, we’re waiting for
you!” His whole face lit up and he ran into the group joyfully. I could have
cried. I still get teary thinking about it.
Recently, we went to dinner at another friend’s house, where
there is a lovely 6 year old girl. When my daughter’s little dress got all wet
playing at the water table, we changed her out and popped her dress in the
dryer. The 6 year old girl took her upstairs to her room to dress her in one
her own princess dresses while the dryer was on, because my daughter didn’t
want to wear shorts. (Didn’t you know
that princesses don’t wear shorts? Ahhh…) Watching my daughter prance in that
beautiful dress… such a joy. The fact that a “big girl” had helped her only
made it better.
I also notice that “big kids” on public playgrounds are
almost always careful of my young kids as they dash around at full speed. I
have never had to pick up an injured child due to one of these kids and when I
have had to say something, it has only been once. A gentle reminder to a kid
busy being his/her own age. I can handle that.
And so I send a message to this author. The one who believes
that manners are slowly dying. Look around you. Manners may be transforming,
but they are not dead. Not if you look closely!
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