I’m so glad you asked. I’ll tell you.
Our study is a catastrophe. A veritable black hole of crap
that has no home and therefore has been dumped into the room for which mess and
disorganization has the least impact. It’s a black hole of papers that are no
longer relevant, wrapping paper that we never liked anyway and books that we
haven’t looked at in years. And that’s being modest. Simply opening a drawer
resembles traveling back in time to projects and priorities past. I actually
found paystubs from 2006, neatly sorted and stapled. Seriously? THAT’S going to
be helpful to hold onto. Uh huh…
In the back of my mind, on that long term “to do” list of
life, cleaning out the study is always towards the top of the list. I
frequently squash it back down because it feels uncomfortable to contemplate
that which I should do and don’t. After all, I can just close the door and
pretend it’s not there. Right?
And I’m not saying that I don’t have a good excuse. I do. But
I don’t. My life is busy. I have two kids and a life that never stops moving.
My house’s current, daily needs trump those needs that can be disregarded
without immediate negative consequence. Should I make dinner or clean the
study? Hmmm… Laundry or clean the study? Hmmm…. Should I read with the kids or
clean the study? Hmmmm…. The immediate need always wins out, and it should. In
reality, we need a hot dinner and clean clothing significantly more than we
need a clean, organized study. My kids need a hands-on mom more than they need
a clean study.
But is that healthy? To what degree?
I had a falling out with a friend about 6 months ago. This is
highly significant because I’m not the kind of person who has “falling outs”
with people. When I called another long time friend to talk about it, she was
shocked. She actually asked me to repeat myself because we were on cell phones
with mediocre reception and she thought she had misunderstood what I said. She
asked me if I had ever had a friendship end abruptly. “Not since middle school”
I answered.
And it’s true. I say this not be brag or present myself as
perfect. It’s simply the truth. I have lost friends over time as interests or
priorities shift, but I have never “broken up” with a friend. At least not
since middle school.
So when this friend “broke up” with me, I was taken aback. I
had felt the drifting, but I hadn’t perceived the drifting to be significant
enough to warrant a break up. Decreased time together, sure. Total abrupt end?
Not so much.
And I’ll tell you the truth… I was upset.
In hindsight, however, I’d like to say “thank you” to this
former friend. In a bizarre sort of way, she knew something that I did not. She
knew that she was not a good friend for me. She harbored stress in ways and
quantities that were toxic to my state of being, whether she knew it or not.
She was competitive in situations where I didn’t even see a race. She was frequently
abrupt in situations that I felt warranted smiles and finesse. Her life goals
were so different from mine that conversations had become incompatible.
And maybe that mess in my study is the same. An energy sucking
force of mess and chaos, driving me to distraction and discomfort. Perhaps we
are supposed to clean out our lives from time to time, and be ruthless about
it.
You know… leave the past behind us.
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