Feeding the soul...

I had to stop for gas the other day, and the kids were getting impatient. They wanted to go home. I had promised them something as a bribe to get them into the car and they were eager to have their reward. So, when I pulled into the gas station, they started to object bitterly. Like any normal mom, I was eager to avoid screaming, so I appealed to their logic and decided to explain why we needed to gas up the car.

I know… don’t laugh. First…logic in 3 year olds? Uhm, Right…. Second, how could you possibly explain the need to gas up a car to such a young child? But as a trained language teacher, I hold the firm belief that most concepts can be explained to most people. It’s all a matter of using the right language.

Here’s what I said.

I explained that our car was hungry and that if we didn’t give it food, it would stop going. I further explained that gas is the food that cars like best. Silence from the back of the car. I was about to really mock myself for even presuming that my words would have significance when, from the back of the car, came a little toddler voice.

“The car is hungry?” My daughter inquired?

“Yes” I confirmed, hiding my surprise. “The car is very hungry. If we don’t give it food, it won’t be able to take us home.”

She paused and narrowed her eyes in thought.

“And gas is food?” My daughter continued.

“Yes, honey.” I smiled at her. “Cars love to eat gas. It’s their favorite food.”

“Oh” she said. And smiled. She got it.

My son didn’t speak during the conversation, but his eyes were following us and processing the words the whole time. If I had to make an educated guess, based on his facial expressions, I think he understood as well.  At the very least, he nodded and smiled at the right times to make me believe so.

 I should have known that my kids would understand anything if I related it to food.

But it got me thinking. It got me thinking about the many different ways that we “go” and the different kinds of “food” that we need in order to facilitate that movement.

While this connection might seem random to some, it made sense to me. I firmly believe that this thought came to me because I have hit a point in my life where I recognize the vast amount of ME that has been lost in the process of becoming a mom of twins. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not really complaining.  It’s just that before kids, I was pretty creative. I made jewelry. I loved to cook recipes with multiples steps and that required their own trip to the supermarket. In winter, I would spend most of a Saturday morning and afternoon cooking and listening to music. I even went through a phase, a few years back, of making my own candles and they looked pretty nice.  I read tons of books and could list off authors that I enjoyed and respected.

Now, not so much. Two infants don’t really leave you much time for personal enrichment, to put it mildly. With my kids starting preschool and getting older (and consequently more independent) I am starting to get back to being that previous form of me. But it takes work. And it takes food. Not in the literal sense, of course, but in the figurative sense.  The down time a brain requires to fuel such creativity just does not occur these days and the creative fatigue brought on by the inevitable survival mode does not facilitate the levels of creativity I used to reach. I just don’t get the opportunity to feed my soul the way I used to.

But it’s getting better every day. I’m back to making jewelry sometimes and writing time is back to being a priority. (Evidenced by this blog, of course). I’m feeding my creative brain as much and as often as I can and the progress feels wonderful.

There really are all kinds of food in life.

The toys every family must have!

Our house is a toy heaven, or maybe a toy hell. I guess it depends on your perspective. We have everything. And I do mean everything. We have books, puzzles and a train table covered in Thomas trains and wooden tracks. We have art supplies galore, trucks and cars and a trampoline. Dress up clothes and doll clothing. A toy kitchen chock full of plastic food and utensils. You name it, we have it. And it’s probably played with too… which is what makes it so hard to do a big cleanout. Every time I am just about to declare a toy finished, my kids find it again and thwart my plans. Maybe I’m just a big softie.

 We have been teased that we should open a daycare. Although I have no interest in running such a business, we could certainly be prepared on the material front. While my kids are not brats, they certainly are spoiled. My only comfort is that they get more hugs, kisses and discipline than toys, so we’re not doing too much damage.  I hope.

That said, every family needs a certain number of toys to ensure their survival in day to day life. Especially on those days when leaving the house isn’t an option.

What are these essential toys, you ask? I’ll let you in on my bizarre and personal perspective on the issue.

1-      A Zen toy. Yes, you read it right. A “Zen” toy. This is a toy that transports your child into their Zen mode, makes their body relax and their mind ignite. Every kid has one, or maybe more than one. My son finds this in his train table. He could spend hours at his train table, “huffing and puffing” his trains around with a quietly content smile. You know… the smile that lights up the eyes and only lifts the corner of the mouth slightly. My daughter, until recently, didn’t have a Zen toy. She thoroughly enjoyed her toys, but none reached the Zen potential. Then, for Christmas, she was given a “Littlest pet shop” tree house toy. She loves it. Lies on the floor, on her side, putting her little animals in and singing quietly to herself. Her face rests into pure relaxation and her eyes shine with pleasure. For both my kids, it’s a priceless quiet. Not only is it low volume, but it’s the sound of tranquility.

2-      A really great noisy toy. I know… noisy toys are a no-no. They induce headaches in adults. Some of them don’t even have off switches so they start up with the slightest unintentional bump. And at the worst times. Oh, like, just when you FINALLY got the kids settled down and convinced them to go upstairs for bed. Nothing like the sounds of that noisy toy to remind them that fighting bedtime is fun.

On the other hand, the right noisy toy can bring hours of entertainment if properly chosen and implemented. For Christmas, we put together a wish list. On said list, we added a music set. A really loud one. Cymbals, a triangle, a tambourine, and wooden sticks to hit together. When you add it to the drum and maracas we already had, we have a veritable child band. A parade. And wow, is it loud. Especially the cymbals, which my son loves to bang together gleefully while giggling madly. I joke about his being the energizer bunny. My daughter loves to pound on the drums while singing her own personal version of Elmo’s song. It may be loud, but it’s wonderful. A treat, despite the volume.

3-      A technology based toy that allows you to accomplish an entire task (one that takes more than 10 minutes) without being interrupted multiple times. I know. It’s bad to put your child in front of Elmo/Thomas/Mickey Mouse just to get something done. Or is it? I know that some days we would have no dinner if it weren’t for Thomas or Mickey Mouse on TV. It keeps my kids happy, keeps them away from the kitchen (i.e. safe), and keeps them distracted enough to forget how much fun it is to hit each other and steal toys while taunting blatantly (i.e. saving dinner from being burned to a crisp). It also helps on the days when our imposed schedule makes a nap impossible, but the kids still need their down time to avoid major crankies. We put on some Thomas and cuddle on the sofa. Peace is restored. All is well.

4-      The perfect car toy. You know… the toy that lives in the car and keeps the kids happy while you are driving them to lunch or some other time when they are waiting for something that will satisfy a desperate need. For my kids, hunger is that desperate need. Every time.

You would laugh if you saw our perfect car toys. Really. Last year, about Valentine’s Day, Target started selling these wire flowers covered by fuzzy material. They cost 1$ each and they came in a few different colors. I bought a few and put them in the car. For a year now, these cheapo flowers have been our faithful companions. They are beloved and they are the victims of unlimited creativity. They dance and they fly. They even sing sometimes. But the funniest is when they bounce along to the song of the day. It’s great!  The best few dollars I ever spent.

I mean really. We adults obsess over our toys. (Cars, computers, shoes…) Why can’t our kids?

Ibble dibble to you too!

What’s that you say? Ibble dibble? Such nonsense! Exactly. Let me elaborate.

The first time I went to England with my (now) husband/ (then) boyfriend, he warned me in advance. His family plays party games.  “Party games? I inquired. “What kind of party games?” Well, as it turns out, they not only partake in a myriad of party games, it’s sort of like their own religion. It’s a passion, really. An essential tradition. It’s like they’re proclaiming “Hey, I know I’m not a kid anymore. But it’s the holiday season and I WILL act like a child if I want to, damn it!”

Maybe that’s why I like them so much.

 It’s utterly hilarious. They even have a home grown game where the loser ends up with a face full of baking flower. Yup, you betcha. Maturity at its best, I assure you. Uhmm, maybe not.

But I digress. Ibble dibble.

Ibble dibble is a group game, much like Thumper, for those of you that chose to involve yourself in drinking games in your past. The group sits in a circle and each person is assigned a number, moving sequentially around the room.

The person who is assigned #1 is not simply #1. They are “Ibble dibble #1”, of course. And it goes like this.  #1 looks at #5 (or another number if they so choose) and says “Ibble dibble number 1 with no dibbles to Ibble dibble number 5 with no dibbles”.

What’s a dibble? I’m so glad you asked.

A dibble is a round black mark on your forehead, created by the furious rubbing of a cork that has been burned to have an ashy finish.

How do you get a dibble? Good question! Your thinking cap is firmly on today!

You get a dibble when you make any mistakes. If you stammer over a word or say the wrong word. Or if you pause too long. You also are “dibbled” (yes, like Google, “to dibble” is now a verb) if you incorrectly identify the number of dibbles acquired by yourself or the person you are addressing. The game continues with people laughing hysterically and acquiring dibbles. The last person to be without dibbles is the winner. Given that we are all typically drinking, or considered by society to be young and immature, mistakes are not hard to come by.

The really intriguing part of the game, for me, is the manner in which the Ibble dibble statement is delivered. Some people proclaim their lack of dibble status with quiet pride, while others deliver it with attitude. One of the cousins actively moves her head side to side as she artfully avoids dibbles. We tease her mercilessly about this. She loves it. If the player speaking has less dibbles than the one they are addressing you might hear. “Ibble dibble with NO dibbles to Ibble dibble with TWO dibbles!” Huge emphases on the number of dibbles, as if to remind the other person that THEY have screwed up and YOU have not.

The “dibbler” is also quite the political job. Yes, dibble even takes a noun/subject form. Logically, the dibbler is the one who applies the dibbles. How forceful that person is, and if they apply the same force with everyone, makes HUGE statements. Our local dibbler is one of the youngest in the group and she takes this job quite seriously. It provides her a position of power that she might not otherwise have. She loves it, won’t give it up for anything.

I got curious about the origin of the game and looked it up. Ok, I’ll be totally honest. I wondered if my husband’s wonderfully insane family just made it up. Turns out they didn’t. According to my Google sources, the game started in France. Instead of “Ibble dibble”, the players are spotted cows. Oh yes… Spotted cows. “La vache qui tache”, to be more specific. It rhymes in French, but not in English, so they changed it to another nonsense expression. The spotted cow does make sense, though.  I mean really… can imagine a bunch of grown adults with black circles across their foreheads?

Ibble dibble. It’s part of what makes Christmas what it is. And I wouldn’t change it if I could.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year... What are your resolutions?

Today, we were driving in the car, listening to a Disney Christmas CD. Yes, it is as nauseating as you imagine it would be. Goofy singing “all I want for Christmas is my two front teeth” could actually put a woman over the edge. But it keeps the kids quiet and that goes a long way in my world.

 So, we’re driving along and my daughter asks for the song “twinkle, twinkle, Shabbat light. To clarify, this is the tune of “twinkle, twinkle, little star” with the words rewritten for my kids’ Jewish preschool when they celebrate Shabbat.  I almost laughed out loud. It should come as no surprise to me, but my kids don’t get that Jewish Shabbat and Christian Christmas have no real relationship.  Reminded me of bilingual kids that start a sentence in one language, finishing in another… totally unaware that this might cause confusion for some.

We are officially raising our kids inter-faith! Pretty cool, if you ask me.

So, here we are. It’s the holiday season. Thanksgiving has passed and Christmas is rapidly approaching. The air is getting nippy and evidence of the holiday season has erupted everywhere the eye can see.

I LOVE the holiday season. I adore it. The air feels warmer, ironically, as the temperature is actually dropping. (At least where I live…) People are nicer, somehow. And I don’t think that it’s an act. I firmly believe that most people are nice, given the opportunity to slow down and actually see the world they inhabit. But there’s something about the holiday season that brings out the desire to focus on community and sharing. I’ve never actually completed an unbiased study, but my day to day perception is that we are all more likely to hold a door open, smile at a stranger or take an action that will benefit another person even when it poses no benefit to us.

Oh, and I simply adore the tradition of holiday cards. Especially now with the variety of choices for photo cards. All these people spread out geographically, who never see their friends’ kids grow bigger… once a year, we get to see what their family looks like and do a mini catch up on their lives. When we put the cards up on the wall, it’s like we spend our hours surrounded by loved ones. Priceless.

In past blogs, I spent a little time talking about New Year’s resolutions, claiming that these resolutions are often better placed on birthdays. A more personal start and end to the year, one that you share with only a select few. This year, however, my kids just turned 3 and WOW are they 3. Both of them. At the SAME TIME. While I love my twins, it’s sort of a cruel joke. I mean, think about it. BOTH KIDS firmly in the “do it myself” stage, long before they can actually do “it” successfully or within any rational time frame.  Tantrums from both kids because they have wrong color chair… really? Isn’t one of them supposed to be posing different problems, so that my insanity can encompass some variety? Hmmm….

But I mention this not to gripe. I mention it to repent, in a bizarre sort of way. My kids are driving me a little nutty, and I haven’t been as calm in response to this feeling as I would like. I know… we’ve all been there. And I know… I’m probably doing a better job than I am giving myself credit for. This isn’t a new conversation. But I’d like to do better and the approaching New Year has me thinking about change.  New Year’s resolutions are on the brain.

The problem with change, I believe, is the following. We are not who we are as a result of what we do. I actually think it’s the opposite cause and effect. We do what we do as a result of who we are.  So, consequently, if we are to change our actions we have to begin with the most basic and essential questions, posed inward. And we have to answer ourselves honestly. We are obligated to evaluate the parts of ourselves that allow and encourage us to make the choices we make, and to recognize the consequences of these choices.

If we truly want to make changes, then we can’t focus on our actions. We need to focus on our needs and incentives. Simply putting in a calendar reminder to go to the gym doesn’t help me get physically fit. I know that I should go. It’s in my head. When I don’t go, it’s not because I forgot, like an innocently forgotten item on the shopping list. I didn’t forget. For better or worse, I simply did not make it a priority. If I want that to change, I need to rearrange my priorities… and that’s probably the hardest thing to do. For all of us.

So, as 2011 comes to a close and 2012 begins, I would like to extend a wish to each and every one of you!

May your holiday rejuvenate your spirits, so that you have the courage to make the necessary changes in your life.  May you have the perspective to know which agendas truly deserve your energy and attention, and which ones are best discarded in the interests of more sleep or relaxation.

And most importantly, may you have more happiness than stress in this holiday season, so that you begin the New Year refreshed… and ready to make the changes you dream about.

Hey there... my kids are 3. Does that make me an expert?

Hey folks… my kids just turned 3. In raising young kids terms, that practically makes me an expert. Right? Of course right!

 So, in the spirit of embracing my expert status, I’d like to share a few sniglets of knowledge that I have acquired in the last 3 years, thanks to my darling children.

1-      I’ve learned any child product that guarantees results must have some really tiny fine print. Especially if success requires cooperation on the part of the child. It’s like those “Your child will read or your money back” programs. Seriously? My kids, like most others, are not performance monkeys. The fine print probably says something like … “Your child will read (if you stand on your head for 12 consecutive hours and sing ‘Zippity do dah’ at the same time…” Good luck with that.

2-      I’ve learned that the best food to eat is whatever is on the adult’s plate. No, it doesn’t matter that it all got served from the same casserole dish. And no, they don’t care that the food on your plate hasn’t been squished and squashed like theirs, so you don’t want theirs. You want yours. Yours is better, plain and simple. And yes, occasionally you will find yourself eating your dinner off the little red Elmo plate while your child enjoys your un-mutilated meal off of yours. Sigh.

3-      If you have an hour and nothing is going to explode from neglect, take a nap. Don’t organize your kitchen. Don’t worry about your hair. Certainly do not complete a task for someone else that will cause you more stress, unless it’s really important. Take a nap, or at least find a way to relax some. Maybe check your email or chat on the phone. Ok… if organizing your kitchen is fun, go ahead. But nobody else cares about your kitchen, so certainly don’t do it for them.

4-      When your gut tells you that your one last “really quick” errand might not be the wisest of ideas, you might want to cut your shopping trip short. Most, if not all, of my disastrous errands were ones that I desperately wanted to accomplish so I ignored the writing on the wall. Go me for wanting to accomplish all the items on my list!

5-      Don’t change clothing in the middle of the day, unless you are attending a formal event or the weather makes the mess a larger issue. Wet stains in the middle of winter, for example, are not the best idea. Otherwise, feel free to be like me. You know… the mom with the messy kids in Target. Most of lunch got wiped off. That’s not too bad. The majority of the remaining chocolate is up the nose, to be later removed in the pre sleep bath. Awesome. Let’s go shopping while we’re all still in a good mood.

6-      Sleep is paramount. It comes above all other activities. At least this is true in my house. Think about how you feel with little sleep, and then delete the life experience that has given you maturity. Yup, that’s your kid. I know people that play with sleep, and they do get more done than I do. But they don’t get it for free. In my world, screw the errand. I want my kids to sleep.

7-      Sometimes the discomfort of the solution is far better than the discomfort of the problem. In my existence, the diaper bag is a perfect example. It gets a little heavy sometimes, but I don’t mind. Why? Because it contains the essentials to thwart the vast majority of tantrums. Thirsty? Have no fear. I have juice boxes. Hungry? Hold on a second while I dig for a veritable variety of yummy snacks. You made a mess? No worries… I’ve got wipes.  I couldn’t care less about the slight ache in my back. It’s far less annoying than the ache in the head from kid whining. At least to me.

8-      Ignoring gets a bad rap. Sometimes, it’s essential. Like, oh… for example… recently on a Costco trip. My son’s incessant whining was driving me crazy so I simply ignored him. He yelled. He writhed. He made a scene. I shopped. Paid him no mind. Tantrum didn’t last long and his sister got a ton of attention and praise for a being a wonderful “big girl”. Woo hoo… two points for mommy.

9-      Your needs, as an adult, are not as immediate as you think. Sure, you’re hungry. You’ll live. And do you really know how long you can hold it when you have to pee? A long time… I assure you. When my kids were in the stage of the huge double stroller and some bathrooms didn’t have a handicapped stall big enough for the stroller, I learned this the hard way. Fun? Not so much. But it was educational. And it was HUGE for character building.

To those of you that have children much younger than mine…let this educate you on at least one mom’s perspective of where you are going.

To those of you that have children older than mine…  Well, I’ll keep looking out for your blog, so that I can get a better perspective on my future. J

Wait... they understood that?

I am officially organized for my kids’ 3^rd birthday party. So much to think about. It has my head reeling. No, not the planning, mind you. We’re keeping it pretty simple. No fancy food, no elegant location, no expensive party favors. You know… Costco is catering with chips and dips.  The local supermarket is providing the cake. Like I said, keeping it simple… just the way mommy likes it.
So why is my head reeling? I’m so glad you asked.

I can’t believe they’re turning 3. Weren’t they born yesterday? That’s what it feels like sometimes. And as they get older, I am blown over by the capacity to understand that my children exhibit. And the way this capacity increases daily, or at least it seems to me.

Their sense of imagination has exploded, to the point that when we see a “broken” truck (i.e. the cab of the truck without a trailer attached… all the wires showing) my daughter is convinced that dinosaurs will fix it. She says it with total certainty. She KNOWS that it’s true. My son makes everything into a moving vehicle, makes bent legs mountains and is completely certain that everything he can’t see is hiding somewhere funny.

When Halloween was in the air, they were constantly taking in all the pumpkins and witches and they seemed to be really enjoying it. I had told them about trick-or-treating many times now and I think they got it. Unlike last year, when they had no clue, this year they really enjoyed it. How cool is that? They may even be looking forward to Christmas on some level.

In terms of daily functioning, their expanding comprehension is quite often a blessing. They now grasp a sense of time, when it’s put in terms of events. Recently, when my husband was away, I had a morning off while the babysitter came. When I told the kids I was going “to work”, they looked panicked. (For the record, I wasn’t going to work. I was going to Target, but I wasn’t going to tell them that. They would want to go with me, and the whole point was for me to go ALONE.) I quickly reassured them that I wouldn’t be gone long and that I would be home for lunch. They both paused, dramatically. “Lunch with mommy”, they asked me. “Yes, lunch with mommy” I confirmed. They stared me down for a moment, until they decided that I was to be believed and relaxed. Panic finished… they understood when I was coming home. Well, sort of anyways.

 And as much as I hate to admit it, I like that they now have a good grasp on behavior and consequences. The proof? When I threaten to implement the consequence of an unwanted behavior, that “oh shit” look crosses their faces and they stop. (Well… most of the time anyways). When I was forced to drag them away from a lunch line at a local farm, to the car, they knew why they had to wait for their lunch and couldn’t eat with their friends. They understood that, had they listened to Mommy even remotely, we would not have left. Will they repeat said behaviors? Of course! But that’s evidence of immaturity and impulsivity, not understanding.

 I look forward to watching their understanding expand as they get older and “wiser”. I look forward to observing their reactions and hearing the answers they give to my questions.

Should be interesting!!!

Why I love my Iphone

This Thanksgiving has had a commercial theme for me, despite my very recent comments about the lack of commercialism that should surround this sacred American holiday. Shame on me. This is not to say that I didn’t thoroughly enjoy the time I spent with my family. It does mean, however, that I am currently the proud owner of both a smart phone and a nook. Woo hoo! Way to get a kick in the ass, landing smack dab in 2011 (Just in time for the new year.. how ironic!) . I guess I just sort of bypassed the last 10 years, technologically, considering this is my first smart phone and my books have all previously been on paper.

I am already enjoying my newfound technological status, a bit too much actually. It’s sort of embarrassing. I’ve been wanting a smart phone for a few years now, but the budget didn’t agree. The balance has changed somewhat.

It got me thinking, though, about technology. I keep thinking back to the movie “contact”. You know… the movie where Jodi Foster finds the aliens, meets one that looks like dad, and starts an inter-galactic revolution despite humble beginnings.  Matthew Mcconaughey plays the role of a science advisor to the president and ponders the role of technology in the world. He states that he is not inherently anti technology. He simply wonders if the presence of technology actually brings us closer (as we perceive it to) or if it takes us further apart. Makes us less bonded as human beings, less connected to our human relationships.

It’s an intriguing question. In a previous job, we teachers spent a lot of time emailing each other. And it was very useful, quite efficient. I could email a time sensitive question to a teacher with a different planning period and she could respond when I was teaching. By the end of the day, the problem was often resolved. On the flip side, however, how many times did I sit at my desk typing an email to someone 2 classrooms away, when I could have had the conversation more quickly and face to face? Would the result have been of higher quality? Would we have gained some higher insight into the larger issue if we had conducted the conversation in person?

This is the cause of much dispute, especially between generations. Moms and dads shaking their heads in sadness, lamenting the time their kids spend texting when they could be “really talking” to their friends. Kids getting more and more screen time. The cyber bullying that makes the press, making us believe that bullying has actually increased over the years. Whether this is actually true or our awareness is more acute is a great question to debate as well.

And don’t get me wrong. I’m not anti-technology. For me or my kids. One of the reasons I insisted upon an e-reader with color capacity is that I would have killed to have it last week when I was stuck at the car dealership for an hour with two cranky kids, waiting for my battery to be replaced.  Coloring and eating snack worked, but I worked too… I worked hard. Putting on some well timed Dora would have saved me at least two Advil and a third cup of coffee.

I also believe that they can learn some very valuable lessons from technology. Some of the current programs you can download are pretty darn cool and the educational programs have the potential to be very innovative. Add that to the fact that my kids learned most of their letters from a really great phonics DVD that they LOVED beyond words… There are bonuses.

But when is it too much? When are you leaving your children too much to the screen time babysitter? And is that really such a problem? If your children are well adjusted, happy kids… do you really need to beat yourself up about it? After all, we are all just doing what we have to do to get by sometimes. Especially with young kids.

On Thanksgiving morning, I called one of my friends via my Iphone using Facetime. I LOVE facetime. It’s awesome. For those of you that don’t know, it’s basically like Skype on the Iphone and it rocks. Normally, I have to call and settle on her voice. This time, I got to see her face and my kids got to wave at her kids and blow kisses. How fun! Are you truly going to tell me that this didn’t increase my kids’ connection to those they love? I believe it did. It wasn’t about the technology; it was about the faces on the other side. Pure and simple. Human connection.

So, as the holiday season takes hold, I am going to remind myself to focus on the people in my life, not the “stuff”. And sometimes this stuff will be the key to connecting me to those wonderful people. I will remind myself that having a nook to plunk in front of my kids is not an adequate replacement for good quality time, all of the time. If it allows me to make dinner, or simply breathe for a moment… great. But I still need to be there. Really be there. Not just in body, in spirit too.

I think that this is why I love the holiday season so much. Makes us stop and think. Brings up questions that we can’t truly answer, but the pursuit of answers makes us better people.  

This holiday season, may we all find ourselves one step closer to the answer to one question in our hearts and minds.

As we ponder Thanksgiving...

It’s almost Thanksgiving, again. Amazing how fast a year passes. Anyone who’s my friend me on Facebook knows that around this time of year, I dedicate myself to only posting positive thoughts in my updates. It’s not always easy, given that my life has potential for escalating stress and turmoil, but I do my best to stick to my resolution. Typically, I succeed without too much effort. This year, despite raising two almost three year olds, I have had good results. Yup, I refrain from posts such as “… has had a long ass day trying to keep two toddlers out of the fountain at the mall”. I keep those updates for my phone calls to my fellow moms/girlfriends.

The other day was National Premature day, celebrating premature babies and the medical professionals that care for them.  I embrace that thought, with more respect and admiration for the NICU staff that cared for my kids than I can possibly explain. Sometimes gratitude goes beyond words.

My kids are in preschool now and their class held a Thanksgiving feast. It was beyond adorable! All 12 kids in their little school routine, songs and games… what a beautifully chaotic sight. The best part? Watching my two little preemies, in amongst their little friends, totally normal little people. The value of that sight is immeasurable.  Beyond words. Beyond logic. It makes my heart hurt with joy.

I LOVE Thanksgiving. It’s definitely in my top ten of holidays. Not only is it a family holiday (making it immediately awesome) but it’s also the least materialistic holiday of the year. No presents to wrap, no cards to buy… it’s all about the enjoyment of those you love. Oh yeah, and eating as much good food as possible never hurts. It inspires people, even the least optimistic of us, to give thanks for what we have. Even if we yearn for more. And let’s be honest… we all yearn for more (or less) of something.

Sadly, it seems that Christmas invades earlier every year, converting Thanksgiving into a backburner holiday. It used to be an unwritten American law that Christmas decorations were banned until black Friday. Now, it’s not even thanksgiving yet and Christmas decorations have been ever present for weeks now. Christmas music is already playing in the stores.  It’s kind of sad, if you ask me.  Consumerism has officially taken over.  What’s next? Christmas in June? Yeech…

I have found a silver lining to this phenomenon, however. The Salvation Army bell ringers are out in force, located strategically in front of every supermarket and I am sieving the opportunity to morph this particular Christmas tradition with a Thanksgiving message. When we pass one of these bell ringers, we stop. Every time. I take two quarters out of my wallet. I give one to each kid and I remind them that there are kids who don’t always have yummy snacks and who don’t have toys. I explain how sad those kids are. Then, I tell them that this money will help buy yummy snacks and toys to make the sad kids happy again. They drop the coin in gleefully and I applaud. Do they get it? Hmmm… No, not really. But they do understand that they are helping. And I’m laying the foundation. They will get it someday and I’m starting now. Besides, kids always understand mature concepts before we expect them to.

Thinking about others who are in need makes me appreciate what I have.

So... This Thanksgiving. ..What am I thankful for?

I’m thankful that most of my loved ones are healthy and safe. Those that are in distress will survive their current situations, becoming stronger for having endured.

I’m thankful that my kids, despite a rough start in life, are growing up healthy and strong. Any of my gripes regarding their behavior are consistent with that of a “normal” child of their age and will pass as they get older.

I’m thankful for the balance of my life. Not only do I have the opportunity to spend good quality time with my kids and husband, but I also have access to a part time professional life that keeps my brain from getting too mushy or frustrated.

I’m thankful for my husband, a kind and strong man, and a great dad. He, along with my children, is my home.

I’m thankful for the friends and neighbors that surround me and swoop in to help out when need calls. I never have to feel that I suffer alone, when I do suffer pain or inconvenience.

This Thanksgiving, I find myself in a good place, both figuratively and literally. I’m fortunate and I don’t dare forget it.

I sincerely hope that this Thanksgiving finds all you of you in the same place.

The Mom Resume

A long time ago, when I was a full time middle school teacher, we interviewed a candidate for an open position. There was a gap on her resume, which coincided with the birth of her son and his first few years of life. When we questioned this time, she explained the gap, and our concerns were addressed. We moved on to more “relevant” topics of interview conversation.

In retrospect, we missed a golden opportunity by not staying on that particular topic for a few minutes. Why? Because, in our desire to assess her “real” skills, her “professional” skills, we bypassed an entire set of skills that were probably equally valid. We bypassed her “Mom Resume”.  

A what? A “Mom resume”? What, pray tell, is that?

A mom resume is that particular set of skills that you either 1- didn’t have or 2- didn’t have to such an advanced degree before you were a mom. The skills that allow you to survive motherhood, and provide you with the possibility of enjoying your job as mommy.

Did you know that researchers compared the hormone influxes of a toddler to those of a teenager? Not shockingly, they found the level and degree of influx to be very similar in size and pattern. I mean really, isn’t a teenage tantrum really much like the toddler version, with improved vocabulary?

Because this woman was interviewing for a middle school teaching position, being interviewed by middle school teachers, I’m actually somewhat embarrassed to say that we never interviewed her for her mom resume. Some of her skills acquired as a mom could have easily increased her skills in expertly managing middle school girls. To give you some insight, I‘ll share a small part of my mom resume with you.

1-    I can now name all the Thomas characters without even flexing a cognitive muscle.

My son was looking for a particular train the other day, so there I was sitting between two baskets filled with train toys, sorting through… looking for one particular and essential friend. As I found the other wheeled friends, I took them out and handed them to him, naming them as I went. And it hit me, I know all the names. Do I care about Thomas and his little engine friends? Not, not really. But my kids do, and if I have any chance of caring for them successfully, I better be in tune with what THEY find to be important. You don’t have to be rocket scientist to understand how that correlates to excellent middle school teaching.

2-    I can push my individual needs to the side in the interests of “getting it done”.

While I have never considered myself to be a self centered person, I did have much higher expectations of how and when my personal needs would get met. Being hungry would cause high levels of grumpy, for example. And if I had to pee, well… waiting too long wasn’t really an option. I didn’t call in sick to work when tired, but I certainly didn’t perform at my best level either. Now? Well… let’s just say that I have revised view on what qualifies as an immediate need. I can take quick showers and have no time to style my hair, wait long periods of time for the bathroom and maintain myself despite being hungry, when feeding both myself and the kids is not a valid option. I take good care of my kids and the house, even when I’m too tired to think rationally. Now THAT is a professional job skill that should be in high demand.

3-   Multi-tasking galore

Attempting to maintain a house, a schedule, run errands and care for two little people requires a level multi tasking I have never before attempted. And I’m getting damn good… You have to pack the diaper bag, wash the breakfast dishes and keep him from stealing her toy all the same time, despite the events taking place in three different locations in the room. You also have to know who is playing with what and which toys will cause potential problems, and when. Oh, and apply this knowledge to avoid any massive blowouts (emotional or fluid based) on the way out the door. One day, I will become Elastigirl (from “The Incredibles), and I will be psyched.  Have you managed a middle school classroom? Must I explain the value of this skill? 

4-   Effective selective hearing

Most of us have decent hearing, at least according to a medical professional that assesses us. But selective hearing? Effective selective hearing? That is an acquired skill and mine has grown to a level of EXCELLENCE. I can hear everything the kids are doing and saying while I’m making dinner but I hear it through a filter that only allows it priority when absolutely necessary. Non-consequential whining… might as well not be happening because I don’t hear it. The 100^th request for something that I have already denied? Huh? I’m sorry… did you say something? I didn’t hear anything. This is SUCH a useful skill! And have you met middle school girls recently?

5-   The hand-free 4 point hold

Before kids, my life was pretty tame and the art of restraining another human being was not in my repertoire. I always figured that if I had to restrain one of the kids, my size advantage would make it a small endeavor. Wrong, so very wrong! Needless to say, my kids don’t enjoy diaper changes and one pissed off kid can be pretty darn powerful when armed with a dirty bottom and a case of the wiggles. I have mastered multiple techniques by which I can hold down a complaining child, while keeping my hands free to work and his/her hands out of the poop. Go me!!! While I’m not sure this particular skill translates literally to the middle school classroom (gosh, I hope not…) the figurative comparison translates well. Can you take a resistant victim and still get done what needs to be done? Hmmm…

6-   Bribery expert

I know, I know… all the current literature clearly states that bribery is unwise when dealing with kids. They need to build internal desires to be good and providing them with external persuasion (bribery) is not consistent with this theory. They call for “incentives” instead. Incentives my ass! Have these experts ever dealt with toddler twins? I think not. Bribery is the only way I can get my daughter to keep even vaguely quiet at nap time, as she’s not going to sleep. It’s also the only way to get them out of a toy store when I can’t avoid completing the errand with “helpers”. And if you don’t bribe middle school students, even just a little… well, good luck to you. You have a short career ahead of you. Despite their developing bodies, they are not mature. And they’re not supposed to be yet. Bribes do wonders and the concrete knowledge they will attain via bribery will be essential when their internal desires become more prominent.

And so I will ask, as I ask so often… what’s my point?

My point, my dear friends, is that moms are to be respected, admired and revered for their knowledge. Don’t be fooled by their messy hair and stained clothing. They are professionals.  Salute them as you pass. They have earned it!

And let the differences emerge...

When I was pregnant with my twins, I used to sit and feel them moving around when they got really excited. Chocolate was pretty good for getting them excited. I’d put my hands on my enormous stomach, one on top of each baby. She would kick and he would wiggle, she’d kick, he’d wiggle… and they would just keep it up until they got tired. Or maybe they just got bored of the game. I joked that the nature of their movements must be an indication of the people they would become. She’d be feisty and he’d be naughty.

When they were born, their differences were evident immediately. Their sleep patterns differed and their needs varied depending on mood and time of day. They may have shared my body and they may always share a birthday, but they are NOT the same person. Far from it.

As they have grown up, the differences have only become more distinct. Her passion, his sense of calm, her independence, his love of cuddles. It’s so much fun getting to know them, watching them get to know themselves.

They are now firmly in the toddler stage, for better or worse. Their identities are blossoming and every day I meet another element of who they are and what they are becoming. It’s incredible.

Here are some examples:

Table manners:

We made chicken and rice for dinner and it was pretty yummy. The kids agreed, they ate a ton of it. The table manners, however… well… let me elaborate.

My daughter is meticulous and detail oriented. She took her fork and painstakingly inserted it into the pile of rice. Then she slowly raised the fork, hand vibrating slightly, to her mouth. You could see on her face that she was PRAYING for it to not fall. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it all fell. She would watch the descent of rice pilaf with despair or smile with glee at the enormous bite of food. Either way, it was a process. And she was determined to do it right. And when it spilled on her chair, she was dismayed. I had to clean it off in order for her to calm down.

My son. Hmmm… he took his hand and shoveled it in. With zeal. I could have sworn a rice bomb exploded around his chair. Seriously, I didn’t know that rice could travel so far. Did it grow legs when I wasn’t looking?  He was in heaven. Between shovels, he would grin at us and exclaim “yummy rice!” and then recommence the food expanding process. We had to laugh. What else can you do?

The backpack:

Now that my kids are in preschool, they have backpacks. His is Elmo and hers is Dora. They LOVE their backpacks. But I can’t get either of them to wear them on their backs. I’m not entirely sure why, not that it really matters.

When we go into school, I ask the kids to hold their own bag and I hold their hands as we walk through the parking lot. It makes me realize how big they are getting.

My daughter holds her bag tightly to her chest, her available arm wrapped around the bag. When I release her other hand she uses that arm to clasp the bag as well. This Dora bag is a blessed item.

My son drags his bag behind him. He loves his Elmo bag, but he’s just not precise or careful. He’s too busy watching the cars and people to think about the backpack. Sometimes he almost trips over it or lets it get in front of his legs, causing him to trip. Luckily, Elmo breaks his fall and ouchies are avoided.

The crib:

My daughter’s crib is her sanctuary. She is an avid collector of every soft toy that enters the house. She has managed to acquire over 90%, I would assume, with the exception of the few that we have called off limits, due to my son’s desire to not lose them as his own. When in her crib, she arranges her little friends and plays games with them. When I tuck her in at night, every toy must go in exactly the right place, and that place differs nightly. It’s quite a process.

My son has a few valued friends in his crib, but his pooh bear is the only one that is truly irreplaceable and invaluable. His other little friends can be wherever, he doesn’t mind. Whatever dude! As long as I have my Pooh bear!

As the kids get older, I look forward to meeting the parts of their personalities that will continue to emerge. I’ll try hard not to predict, it might blind me from seeing their true selves. I’ll do my best to stay open minded, see how it goes.

I’ll hold on tight and enjoy the ride. After all, isn’t that why we have kids?