I read a sci-fi thriller a while back. The main characters are a family, a couple with one child. The woman came from a family that, while lovely and well meaning, had created some unfortunate personality traits. One of these traits was the inability to handle stress calmly. She frequently reminded herself that she was no longer part of her childhood family, and that she had changed. She was now part of her husband’s family and his family was calm. The calm part was relevant because all kinds of really horrible stuff kept happening (Think Stephen King) and she had to keep reminding herself to be calm. While I did not identify with the violent episodes, I did identify with her thought process.
Childhood development is a hot topic. The sheer number of books and articles dedicated to the topic is staggering. We observe children all the time. We comment on their behavioral changes and correlate their actions with their developmental stages. But what about adults? We change too. We modify our behaviors based on our developmental stage. Are you the same person now that you were ten years ago?
I would guess not… I hope not…
I know that I’m not… Let me provide you with a few examples.
1- I now look like I belong in Home depot. Don’t laugh; it’s a bigger deal than you would think. I was NOT raised to fix my own things and the first time I remember going into Home Depot with my husband, I was terrified. Where the hell was I? What was all this stuff? Was I supposed to have ANY idea of what I was looking at? That was approximately 6 years ago. Yesterday, I had the opportunity to go to Home Depot by myself and I felt totally comfortable. I knew what I needed and I knew where it was located. The only time I was approached by an associate, he told me that he could see I knew what I was looking for and it didn’t seem like I was finding it. I am embarrassed about how proud that made me feel! (He was right, by the way. The item I was looking for was in box, but not on display, which explained my confusion). This is not to say that I am the queen of fix-it land, but I am also not outside of the kingdom. I am slowly but surely entering and finding my place.
2- I am far more outdoorsy than I used to be. This started in high school, when my friends began the process of “de-prissying” me. It continued in college, where I made some really great, down to earth friends. Since college, and then since meeting my husband, this pattern has only continued. I not only camp now, but I enjoy hiking and I am much more tolerant of less than ideal weather. This is very fortunate, as having kids and being “indoorsy“ doesn’t always work if you want to have your kids enjoy being outside.
3- I am much more realistic when it comes to what I “want” and what I “need”. Not that I don’t buy too many clothes, shoes and other frivolous items. I do… but I am much more aware of money and when it is being wasted. I have a ways to go, but I’m working on it. Whenever I look at something in a store, and consider buying it, I ask myself one essential question. “Can I justify this purchase to my husband?” If the answer is yes, then I ok… maybe I will buy it. If “no way” is the first thought that crosses my mind, back on the shelf it goes.
4- I am much less fatalistic than I used to be. I used to freak out (big time) when things weren’t unraveling the way I had planned. The barrage of “what if’s” that invaded my brain was unreal. You try thinking calmly and effectively when your brain is under that sort of attack. It’s not easy. These days, I can see the influence of my husband on my reactions to stress and surprise. While I still panic more than he does, I do it much less frequently and when I do the level of reaction is significantly smaller. This is a wonderful development for me. The inability to stay calm was never pleasant for me. I like my current mode much better, it’s much more satisfying.
5- I am much less of a complainer regarding small injuries. As a kid, I loved to put band aids on bug bites. Yes, seriously. Growing up, let’s just say that I wasn’t the most resilient when it came to tolerating pain. These days, I am much improved in that department. I used to be scared of needles, but I got over that too. I can now calmly hold my children while they get their injections. I don’t love seeing them cry, but it’s better than getting the illness the injection is fending off. Right? This also impacts my ability to react calmly when my kids get hurt. If they are really hurt, fine. Most of the time, though, they are fine and just a little scared. Telling them that they are fine, when they really are fine, is significantly easier if you deliver this news calmly and confidently.
6- I am much better at following my gut, even when it means going against the crowd or a close friend or family member. I was always independent but it was not always based on confidence. At different times in my life, this independence was actually more rebellion, and rebellion is actually the opposite of confidence. (Or at least that’s what I believe…) These days, I look at my life and the life of my family… and I do what needs to be done. If those around me don’t approve, oh well. It’s not their family. I don’t feel the need to prove myself; I’m too busy just getting it done. And to be totally honest, it feels good.
I know that I’m not perfect, and honestly, I don’t strive to be. I hold myself to the same standard that I hold those I love and trust. I expect them to be honest enough to be kind and tactful enough to hold back that truth that won’t help anyone. I expect them to be smart enough to be good to those around them, and silly enough to make enough mistakes to keep their feet on the ground. Oh, and funny enough to make people smile.
If it’s good enough for the people I choose to love, shouldn’t it be good enough for me?
And we’re really only just works in progress anyway… let the progress continue!
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