If you ever take a training course for positive working relationships, the main topics will be centered on what you should say and do to make each and every one of our interactions contribute to the healthy working relationship. If I were to do a Google search, I have no doubt that I would find hundreds of companies that offer this service for the workplace. I also have no doubt that I would find NONE that relate to how to handle a stay at home mom. When it comes to the “stay at home mom” (SAHM), this concept can be tricky, but a simple “what to do/what not to do” list can be very helpful.
The following advice comes from the combination of my own personal experiences and those of the other SAHM’s that I know and have known in my life. Let me lend you some guidance, based on what I have learned.
1- When your child wakes you in the middle of the night, necessitating a parental visit, DO NOT ask the SAHM to go deal with it because you have to work tomorrow. That’s not to say that your job isn’t difficult and/or important. This also does not discredit the value your income brings to the functioning of the home. I also feel that she should take her turn in the process of comforting children in the middle of the night, but it should be just that, her turn. Do not be deterred by the fact that her job has no official contract and salary. Let me assure you, she works tomorrow too. (And no, she probably can’t sleep when the kids sleep either. Not if you want dinner.)
2- At every age, children exhibit a variety of behaviors, typically consistent with their age. Some of these behaviors are adorable, while others are downright annoying. Think nails on chalkboard and multiply by 10 and you will understand how charming some of these behaviors can be. When the SAHM complains about said behaviors, DO NOT calmly and flippantly comment on the normal developmental nature of this behavior and mildly assure her that this will eventually pass. It’s a true statement, it will pass. And it’s probably developmentally normal too. But that does not change the fact that dealing with it all day, every day, brings her reaction to a whole new level. Those that have the fortune/misfortune of leaving the house at 7:30 am and returning in time for dinner (i.e. avoiding this issue during the majority of the daylight hours) do not experience it to the same level. Trust me.
3- Having down time is essential, for everyone and for all ages. Many SAHM’s have the luxury of their kids napping on a daily basis. While this is a wonderful luxury, let me assure you, this is not “free time” or “her time” any more than a planning period is free time for a teacher or non meeting time is “free time” for one who works in an office. Just like you, we are still at work and we have a lot to accomplish, mostly tasks that are impossible when the kids are awake. If we sit down for a few minutes, drink a hot cup of coffee, good for us. We probably ate our lunch standing up while prepping dinner and our breakfast standing up while we dealt with the kids and their needs. We deserve a few minutes of sanity.
4- We’ve all seen it. The kid on the floor of target, wailing his little brains out. And mom, ignoring him while she finishes selecting an item to buy. Pre-child I had many opinions on this. I was one of “those people” that wondered about that mom. How could she be so callous? Didn’t she care that her child had needs? Given that I had worked daycare with toddlers, I felt justified in this opinion. After all, I had worked with this age. I knew what I was talking about. Right? Not so much…!
Now I AM one of those moms. I let my kids scream on the floor if needed, given they aren’t sick or in need of something serious. No means no and I can’t afford to have my children learn that screaming is the way to get what they want. If I give in once, my future outings are going to get much more difficult. DO NOT give this mom advice. Do not suggest that her child must be tired, hungry, thirsty, etc. DO NOT suggest that she use her stroller if the child is running wild. Chances are that she is a good mom and knows exactly what is going on. She knows when an event is out of character or when it is part of a pattern that needs to be curbed. If you think she’s enjoying this moment, you are wrong. Horribly wrong. Being looked at “that way” is bad enough. Don’t make it worse.
5- DO NOT arrange for workers to come to the house during the day, without asking her, assuming it won’t be a problem. After all, she’s home anyway, right? She’s working at home, if she’s there. If it’s the kind of work where the workers simply need access, it’s probably alright, presuming she doesn’t have other plans or the work is very important. Some workers need access to the homeowner, not just the home. I don’t know about you, but I can’t control two toddlers and keep them out of the work space without creating total chaos. If they will need that much homeowner input, you might need to be there to help her.
6- DO NOT make the assumption that a play date is a social event. It has social elements, but so does your business meeting at the office. Would you classify your high stress business meeting as a social event? I think not. It is nice to see other moms and to give your kids a chance to play, but it’s often far from relaxing. You have to mediate, chase, and you almost never finish a conversation with the other moms. (Think about a difficult meeting at your office where you must be constantly at the top of your game to keep to your agenda, and you are at least on the correct planet, if not in the same city.) Play dates are survival, pure and simple; they are not carefree social events.
Now that I’ve given you a long list of don’t, I’d like to suggest few things that you can do, that would appreciated by every SAHM I know.
1- DO be patient with her when she is blocking an isle of a supermarket/target because she is trying to herd cats, uh, I mean move her children in the same direction without losing one of them and/or letting one of them break something that she will have to pay for. It’s not easy. Trust me. Herding cats, herding Jell-o… whatever you call it.
2- DO compliment her on how nicely her kids are acting, wherever she may be with them. She may only give you a faint smile or nod, but she hears you. Loud and clear. She has worked hard, very hard, and has been that mom in target with the goal of having kids that can behave the way you are seeing now. Trust me, she appreciates it. Even if she doesn’t outwardly show it.
3- DO have respect for the fact that she was probably working in some job (pre-children) that allowed her to wear unstained clothing, have some authority over humans with a developmental ability to follow some directions, finish an intelligent thought and finish a hot drink before it went cold. Oh, and a job that she could leave. That’s huge. If she seems vaguely frustrated, telling her to calm down is not entirely productive. If she needs to be calm, help her do it. Get her out of the house, alone, and not for an annoying errand. Take care of a household task that she would normally be responsible for. Do something to make her life easier. Amazingly, she will probably become much saner, very quickly.
4- DO understand that her patience for her children may be significantly shorter than her counterparts that have had the opportunity to be away from their kids long enough to miss them. It’s not that she loves them less; it’s that her exposure is significantly greater. Count the number of times you have witnessed the particular behavior and multiply by 100. Her lack of never ending patience will make more sense.
5- DO recognize that household chores not yet accomplished when the kids go to sleep should be divided evenly, not left to be done in her “free time”. If she is cleaning up the kitchen, you might want to help her and your share. If areas of the house need tidying or certain details need to be set in place for the next day, doing your part of these tasks is enormously appreciated by the SAHM. I don’t know about you, but I don’t enjoy food shopping at 8:30pm because the logistics of the day and the kids didn’t allow for a supermarket trip that day. Oh, and there’s no milk or eggs. She’d LOVE for you to take the shopping list and go for her. Really.
I was/am a teacher and I find it ironic how teaching and parenting have so many parallel issues. I am still a teacher, even when I don’t have an official classroom. My home is my classroom and I am teaching two members of the future of America, my kids. The ways they will act and the choices they will make will bear a huge connection to my actions and decisions now. This is an enormous responsibility and there is no break.
I don’t expect a million dollar contract (although I wouldn’t turn it down…) but I’d like a little respect. My job deserves to be on the “Top Ten List” of hardest jobs ever.
Full time motherhood is not for the weak!
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