I love my kids. Beyond words or meaning. I would give anything to ensure their health and happiness and I can’t imagine the pain I would feel if they were taken away from me. They are the blessing of my life.
However…. (Yeah, you knew that was coming.)
That DOES NOT mean that I don’t sometimes look back on my child free days and yearn for some of the basic, daily conveniences that I so lightly took for granted. What was I thinking? Here are some examples.
1- I miss going to the bathroom alone.
Ok, so I know that it’s good for kids to see adults going potty. It teaches them about what they will do someday. It’s also good for mommy to know that her kids are in sight and not out of sight killing each other or themselves. But… There are days that I don’t want to have to read a Thomas book to my kids while I pee. There are also days that I don’t feel the undying urge to play the potty game while I pee. (We have two kid sized potties in the bathroom. The kids like to sit on them and say “pee pee” and “poopies” gleefully, despite being fully dressed and in diapers.) Is that too much to ask? Clearly, yes.
2- I miss emptying/loading the dishwasher in one single attempt, without interruption.
No, the dishwasher door, when opened, is not a seat. It is also not a train track. No, the knives are not for you to play with and the dirty dishes that are already inside are not meant to be touched, only for you to put your finger in your mouth or on the sofa. Yes, I know that your dirty plates with pictures of balloons, trains and robots are in there. We DO NOT have to take them out to look at them RIGHT NOW.
3- I miss getting out the door quickly.
I have never been one of those women for whom “5 minutes” to get out the door really equated to some complicated equation of 5 x some random number. (Random number impacted by the destination of course. If the destination is a fancy one, the random number is larger than if the destination is the supermarket for example.) I have always been low maintenance (in that way) and got out the door promptly with little fuss. Now, there is no avoiding that complicated equation. You must account for: 1- Have they pooped yet this morning? If not, you are looking at a last minute change. 2- Are they dressed and can they go out in the clothing you dressed them in this morning? 3- Do they want to go out, i.e. are they going to cooperate with getting ready for the outdoors weather? 4- What season is it? Winter takes longer than summer, for example. Socks, jackets, and sweaters take FOREVER to get on young kids. 5- How many adults are there in relation to kids and are the additional adults the ones that help or hinder? More adults are not always beneficial to this complicated equation. 6- Last, but not least, are YOU dressed and has the mood of the previous hour allowed you to be ready to get out the door or not?
4- My wardrobe.
It’s not enough that your body is impacted by the pregnancy, but now you also have to think about what kind of clothing you can wear based on the age of your kids. Short skirts? No way!!! How are you going to sit on the floor? With twins, you can’ wear anything you can’t crouch in, that’s for sure. Shirts get tricky too. Anything too low cut doesn’t allow you to wrestle two kids into your arms without bordering on some kind of porn, so sexy is out of the question. If it has any possibility of riding up and showing your stomach, forget it. You might as well go out in a crop top and get it over with. Besides, you are just going to get it dirty and stained, so why spend the money in the first place. And those cute, sexy little shoes. Ahhhhh, how I long to wear you again. Mercifully, my feet expanded while I was pregnant, so at least it’s not really viable anyway. But seriously, you can’t chase two kids with those kinds of shoes. For a shoe fanatic like me, that’s not always easy to accept.
5- Doing anything quickly.
Quick errand? Yeah, right. By the time you get the kids into the car, out of the car, run your “quick” errand, get them back into car and move on again… your 10 minute errand just became 45 minutes and it’s time for nap and snack. Drive throughs were most definitely invented by a woman. Probably a stay at home mom with multiple kids. Phone calls are no better. Totally content children suddenly need you DESPERATELY the moment you pick up the phone. There is no explanation for this, but my observational evidence is sound. I once had to call a doctor back (after a VERY LONG game of phone tag) because my kids would not stop hitting each other in the head with hard toys and my son decided to bite my daughter. “Thanks kids, that was good timing.”
6- Functional thinking.
Wait, what was I about to say? Just kidding! I know that I have to function at a very high level all day, but sometimes I feel like the world’s biggest idiot. I have a write down everything I think, or I might as well not have thought it in the first place. The memory you have is based on the time to process a thought, and that luxury is long gone, at least for a few years. I can wrangle two kids, get dinner made and make sure the food shopping has been done, but wet laundry can sit for DAYS if the reminder to switch doesn’t catch my attention. If it’s not looking me in the face, fat chance.
As I write this, it’s naptime. Naptime is almost done and I won’t be alone much longer. It’s been nice chatting with you in my free time… I’m off to pee, wash some dishes and make a phone call while I still can. J
No comments:
Post a Comment