What do you want? What do you need?

This afternoon was sort of cranky, and dinner didn’t go as smoothly as normal. My son ate well, but my daughter barely touched her plate. This is not standard, I assure you. When we let her leave the table, she fussed with her toys, generally being difficult. It had rained earlier, the air was heavy outside and the humidity was through the roof. I had thought about going outside to play (the usual cure for the crankies) but I’m not a humidity person. Oh well. A little while later, we were doing the dishes and my daughter was in the front hallway, whining like a toddler. Oh right, she is a toddler. Oops.

We always ask our kids, both our kids, to cease their whining and to use their words instead. And trust me, they give us many opportunities. Do they always listen? Not so much… but they do listen sometimes and that frequency is increasing exponentially as their language skills increase.

But I digress…

So I asked my daughter (not nearly as patiently as I should have, potentially) to stop whining and to use her words. And she did. She looked at me with her huge, moist, brown eyes and a big, quivering, pouty bottom lip and exclaimed “Shoes on, go outside!” Oh, hmmm… Really? Darn.

But then I saw it. Crystal clear. She didn’t WANT to go outside. She NEEDED to go outside. She was DONE.  She felt TRAPPED and she was getting to know herself well enough to know that the only solution was an exit from the current situation. This is what I get for asking her to tell me. She told me. Now it was time to listen.

So we went outside. I told her to get her shoes and she BOLTED for them. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her obey so quickly. We put on shoes and all four of us went for a walk in the neighborhood. It was fun, despite the humidity. The kids found a wonderful puddle and looked at me while they poked their feet at it tentatively. “What are you waiting for?” I asked them. “Jump! Splash!” Oh, and they did. The giggling was tremendous. Awesome! We had to strip them at the door before they came in, they were so wet. Did they care? Not one bit. No more whining… that’s for sure.

So, as I so frequently ask… what’s my point?

My point, my friends, is that we don’t ask this question nearly often enough. You know… that essential question. “What do you need?”. We ask people, all the time, what they want. We even ask them what they NEED sometimes, but we really mean WANT.  And it’s not the same thing. We ask this question presuming the recipient will be fine if they don’t get it, and maybe they will be. But maybe they won’t. And even if we can’t give them exactly what they ask for, we might be able to ascertain the end result they desire and offer them an alternate solution.

How often do we see a loved one in need, someone we don’t know how to help? We offer advice, we take them out for a meal, we give them a hug, tell them we love them, we send frequent emails to check in… we try to help. But do we ask them what they need? I’d like to think that I do that, but do I? Maybe, in my attempts to survive this wonderful yet insane life with young twins, I lose touch. Wait, who am I kidding? Of course I lose touch. How could I not?

I’m going to have to pay more attention to that in the future. That’s a pretty important detail to keep track of.

Thank you, my lovely tempestuous little girl, for reminding how to be a good friend. Now I have one more reason to appreciate you.